Oh Me Of Fickle Faith

Notes:

I have recently begun to fear that English buffs have been reading my posts in horror. I apologize in advance for the disastrous grammar.  I used to be better, I think.  Generally, I’m just trying to communicate my pauses and emphasis by ignoring the rules, but all those other troublesome spots are a result of the rules turning to mush in my otherwise occupied brain.  Instead of researching like I used to do, I just guess…or pretend it it’s all correct.  I really do care.  Don’t worry.  When I write a book, I’ll have an editor.  (We will fight.)

As for the length, if you’ll think of it not as a blog post but a really short short story, we’ll be golden.

Until now, I have been writing posts from iPad making it difficult to include pictures.  Sorry about that! I realize everyone doesn't see Instagram & Facebook, so I'll try to do better.  ENJOY!



 

Aida the Needtobreathe Fan

My last post was nearly 4 weeks ago, and I've been thinking a lot about what it is I should be writing. Obviously, an update on Aida is required, but good news of good news is that the update is shortish. And this time around, I'm STARTING with the update! Aida turned 6 months old 2 weeks ago. Since then, she has gotten her ears pierced, taken her first flight (even setting off the metal detector leading to a pat down of us both), and now SADLY gotten her first cold. From me. She is almost over it and was generally less whiny about it than I was; but to be fair, she gets to sleep without interruption..... 



Aida's 6 Month "Photo Shoot"

Anyway, we're still on a bi-weekly chemo schedule which is wonderful. We can hardly wait for even more time in between treatments!  She handles it incredibly well, but it takes about a week for her to totally be herself again.  Even still, the reaction to chemo is easy in comparison to life on steroids! Her counts today were good, and imaging of the brain & liver lesions is being scheduled for our next visit in 2 weeks.  I'm still watching the lesions more closely than I'd like...noticing the subtlest of changes. We've recently discovered that the walls of blood vessels in these vascular tumors can get inflamed which makes the lesions look bigger.  I guess technically they are bigger, but for the most part that seems to recede, returning them to their former glory. 

Aida & Mommy

There HAS been some growth though, which is always a bummer. Also, maybe from the growth or the inflammation or both, one of the lesions on her arm is actually causing pain intermittently which is pretty unusual. It was irritated for several days a couple of weeks ago, and alas, the pain/swelling/inflammation returned yesterday. :( If we touch it with even the slightest pressure she instantly cries big tears. Fortunately, quick hugs and kisses make her forget almost immediately. After freaking out a bit the first time, our Cincy doctor calmed me via text, and the situation improved on its own. Speaking of Cincy, we're talking about a trip that way (just to check in), but gratefully, we're not really in a rush! :) 

And now, after weeks of writing pages and pages of pure brilliance (I promise) in my head (but not on paper/iPad), I'm finally getting it together. Another day I'll write about how procrastination - sometimes out of a need for things to be just so - makes it impossible to succeed. That is to say that the inability to narrow down exactly what to write makes it impossible to complete a blog post. I've just spent 30 minutes writing this paragraph. I am not exaggerating. It's ridiculous. On to what matters...

The last couple of days Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" has been popping in my head, but I've been inadvertently changing the lyric. Well, just one word really. I had sung the first few lines several times before I realized my version wasn't making sense. "I hear the change (train) a comin'. It's rollin' 'round the bend..." For those of you taking notes, this is what we call a "Freudian slip." Change IS coming. I am not ready yet. Having had our lives suddenly turned upside down 6 months ago, it's a little odd to be anticipating this still undefined transition. I hear the change/train coming, but I haven't seen it yet. It sounds awfully big and scary - like it could just flatten your little old penny right there on the track. For the first time in a while, I am experiencing some semblance of calm. Even better, this calm is coupled with unadulterated delight, and who wants to change that? Aside from a completely healthy Aida (and perhaps a modest windfall), I can hardly imagine something better…well, maaaaaybe a family trip to Europe with chocolate covered strawberries for dessert at every meal.  That’d be pretty okay.

Anyway, I've always wanted to stay at home and be Supermom. You can imagine the look I got from my freshman advisor in college when I told her. Seventeen year old me liked to think she was lonely and jealous of my idealistic "ambition." OBVIOUSLY I would work first, so the degree was necessary. As was foreign study, of course. Regardless, stay at home supermomdom has always been a dream. So here I am now at home...making head bands and leg warmers. Living the dream...more or less. The thing is, we knew before Aida came that I would need to generate income on some level because it turns out Supermommying does not actually pay in dollars. Monopoly money maybe, but we don't have Monopoly so I can't speak to that definitively. It's truly unfortunate for mommies (and kiddos) everywhere.

So with this in mind, last weekend I had a momentary meltdown. I was fretting over “finances.” Again. I was "pre-worrying" as Mom calls it. Despite an undeniably miraculous 6 months, I quickly reverted to my usual feeling that I am "justified" in my lack of faith in this area. After our leap of faith move to Nashville, our Dave Ramsey inspired financial plan disintegrated. There was little financial peace for a long time. Instead, we came away with war wounds. We truly believed God orchestrated the move (most days anyway), but it was difficult to reconcile our obedience with what felt like an absence of provision. As I write this I am suddenly aware of my absurdity. Did I really just say I feel "justified" in my lack of faith? Yikes. It's true that faith is too present a theme in scripture to even pretend it's not a struggle for pretty much everyone in some way. It's human nature. But then so is sin. And human nature can be a freaking mess.

It's not that I doubt He can. Sometimes I just doubt He will. In fact, I know that sometimes He doesn't. I still can't really understand it, and that's okay (she said convincing herself). On their way into a fiery furnace Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego said "He can, but even if He doesn't...it's cool." I, on the other hand, tend to say "He can, but if He doesn't...Hey! I'm on fire here! Does nobody care I'm on fire?  I. AM. ON. FIRE. FI. YER. Burning! Dying! Anyone? (That means You, God.) No? Fantastic.” (Cue big sigh and eye roll followed shortly thereafter by sobbing.) Fortunately for us, this time He "did." Relief came the very next day. And again the next. And the next. I told a friend that God had his eyebrows raised saying "Yyyyyyyyep. ‘You know the plans I have for you’ and what not. Seriously.  You really should know. No, really. You should know." Oh me of fickle faith.

So now what?

I have no idea. 

In the meantime, please...

Pray for continued provision. 

Pray for a clear path and opportunity. 

Pray for peace in the transition. In fact, go ahead and pray whatever you were praying when things were crazy bad and we were inexplicably calm. That was a good one! ;)

Pray for Aida's continued progress. 

Pray for Mark as he is still working super hard...and still taking care of Aida and me. :) I couldn't ask for a better partner. Two weeks from today we celebrate our 8th anniversary. Go team!

Pray for this beautiful, amazingly happy, laid back baby to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT ALREADY!!!

Aida's First Flight

Thank you for the continued prayers and support. We need it!

With so much love