Notes:
I have recently begun to fear that English buffs have been reading my posts in horror. I apologize in advance for the disastrous grammar. I used to be better, I think. Generally, I’m just trying to communicate my pauses and emphasis by ignoring the rules, but all those other troublesome spots are a result of the rules turning to mush in my otherwise occupied brain. Instead of researching like I used to do, I just guess…or pretend it it’s all correct. I really do care. Don’t worry. When I write a book, I’ll have an editor. (We will fight.)
As for the length, if you’ll think of it not as a blog post but a really short short story, we’ll be golden.
Until now, I have been writing posts from iPad making it difficult to include pictures. Sorry about that! I realize everyone doesn't see Instagram & Facebook, so I'll try to do better. ENJOY!
Aida the Needtobreathe Fan |
Aida's 6 Month "Photo Shoot" |
Aida & Mommy |
And now, after weeks of writing pages and pages of pure brilliance (I promise) in my head (but not on paper/iPad), I'm finally getting it together. Another day I'll write about how procrastination - sometimes out of a need for things to be just so - makes it impossible to succeed. That is to say that the inability to narrow down exactly what to write makes it impossible to complete a blog post. I've just spent 30 minutes writing this paragraph. I am not exaggerating. It's ridiculous. On to what matters...
The last couple of days Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" has been popping in my head, but I've been inadvertently changing the lyric. Well, just one word really. I had sung the first few lines several times before I realized my version wasn't making sense. "I hear the change (train) a comin'. It's rollin' 'round the bend..." For those of you taking notes, this is what we call a "Freudian slip." Change IS coming. I am not ready yet. Having had our lives suddenly turned upside down 6 months ago, it's a little odd to be anticipating this still undefined transition. I hear the change/train coming, but I haven't seen it yet. It sounds awfully big and scary - like it could just flatten your little old penny right there on the track. For the first time in a while, I am experiencing some semblance of calm. Even better, this calm is coupled with unadulterated delight, and who wants to change that? Aside from a completely healthy Aida (and perhaps a modest windfall), I can hardly imagine something better…well, maaaaaybe a family trip to Europe with chocolate covered strawberries for dessert at every meal. That’d be pretty okay.
Anyway, I've always wanted to stay at home and be Supermom. You can imagine the look I got from my freshman advisor in college when I told her. Seventeen year old me liked to think she was lonely and jealous of my idealistic "ambition." OBVIOUSLY I would work first, so the degree was necessary. As was foreign study, of course. Regardless, stay at home supermomdom has always been a dream. So here I am now at home...making head bands and leg warmers. Living the dream...more or less. The thing is, we knew before Aida came that I would need to generate income on some level because it turns out Supermommying does not actually pay in dollars. Monopoly money maybe, but we don't have Monopoly so I can't speak to that definitively. It's truly unfortunate for mommies (and kiddos) everywhere.
So with this in mind, last weekend I had a momentary meltdown. I was fretting over “finances.” Again. I was "pre-worrying" as Mom calls it. Despite an undeniably miraculous 6 months, I quickly reverted to my usual feeling that I am "justified" in my lack of faith in this area. After our leap of faith move to Nashville, our Dave Ramsey inspired financial plan disintegrated. There was little financial peace for a long time. Instead, we came away with war wounds. We truly believed God orchestrated the move (most days anyway), but it was difficult to reconcile our obedience with what felt like an absence of provision. As I write this I am suddenly aware of my absurdity. Did I really just say I feel "justified" in my lack of faith? Yikes. It's true that faith is too present a theme in scripture to even pretend it's not a struggle for pretty much everyone in some way. It's human nature. But then so is sin. And human nature can be a freaking mess.
It's not that I doubt He can. Sometimes I just doubt He will. In fact, I know that sometimes He doesn't. I still can't really understand it, and that's okay (she said convincing herself). On their way into a fiery furnace Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego said "He can, but even if He doesn't...it's cool." I, on the other hand, tend to say "He can, but if He doesn't...Hey! I'm on fire here! Does nobody care I'm on fire? I. AM. ON. FIRE. FI. YER. Burning! Dying! Anyone? (That means You, God.) No? Fantastic.” (Cue big sigh and eye roll followed shortly thereafter by sobbing.) Fortunately for us, this time He "did." Relief came the very next day. And again the next. And the next. I told a friend that God had his eyebrows raised saying "Yyyyyyyyep. ‘You know the plans I have for you’ and what not. Seriously. You really should know. No, really. You should know." Oh me of fickle faith.
So now what?
I have no idea.
In the meantime, please...
Pray for continued provision.
Pray for a clear path and opportunity.
Pray for peace in the transition. In fact, go ahead and pray whatever you were praying when things were crazy bad and we were inexplicably calm. That was a good one! ;)
Pray for Aida's continued progress.
Pray for Mark as he is still working super hard...and still taking care of Aida and me. :) I couldn't ask for a better partner. Two weeks from today we celebrate our 8th anniversary. Go team!
Pray for this beautiful, amazingly happy, laid back baby to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT ALREADY!!!
Aida's First Flight |
Thank you for the continued prayers and support. We need it!
With so much love
I've been meaning to read you blog, for a while now. It has been a dreary day at work, so I decided I would start now. Luckily, I'm a "fast" reader so I haven't "wasted" much time. :)
ReplyDeleteAida's story is amazing! The love you and Mark have for one another is extrordinary!!! The three of you have been added to my prayer list! (As your blog has been added to my daily to-do list.)
Aida's pictures are heart-warming, and often bring tears to my eyes. She is a miracle! Keep up the good work!
You're very kind! Thank you for reading, praying and all the compliments! Hope you are well - H
Delete